The USA Citizenship Test

U.S. Statesman: Now, Mr. Chalabi,before we take our box seats, next to all the corporate and government sponsors, to watch the glorious wrath of God turn your rebellious little country into mincemeat, and before we put you in charge of the clean-up, we'd like for you to take one last test. Don't worry. It's just a technicality...and given to all would-be puppets and new Patriots. It's the basic citzenship test. Go in the other room and take your time.

Please circle the correct answer:


1. What are the colors of flag?
A. Red, white and blue B. Red and white C. Blue and white D. Yellow and red

2. What does the red stand for?
A. The blood of people who were in need of liberation B. The blood of those who died trying to liberate
C. Coca-Cola D. Dead Commies and Arabs

3. What does the white stand for?
A. Supremacy B. Surrender C. Purity of American soul D. Traditional Arab garb that has not been liberated yet

4. What does the blue stand for?
A. All folks who are too dumb to achieve the American dream B. All folks who are unfortunate enough not to live in the US C. Fools who do not realize that happiness is domination D. Veterans, the sick, the elderly who were abandoned by a government they trusted

5. What do the stars stand for?
A. The 50 most beautiful and powerful people B. What every American can reach for C. There is no limit to the American dream D. Hollywood, baby!

6. What is the 4th of July?
A. Independence day B. 400 cruise missiles per day C. Hiroshima D. War on CNN

7. What is the date of Independence Day?
A. July 4th B. July 5th C. July 6th D. Whenever a puppet dictator imposed against the will of the people decides he is no longer a puppet

8. Who did we become independent from?
A. England B. France C. Germany D. all those bastards

9. Who’s dependent on us now?
A. England B. France C. Germany D. all those bastards

10. Who is the best God?
A. Jesus B. Yahweh C. Allah d. Buddha e. none of the above

If you chose A, please explain. If you chose B, continue. If you chose the others, please wait for further questioning.

11. Do you believe in the separation of Church and State?
A. Yes B. No C. except in times of War in which He is always on our side

12. What is the best quality for a President to have?
A. Acting ability B. The ability to speak the English language C. Good looks D. One who understands the need to put uppity inferiors in their place

13. What is an atrocity, a crime against human rights?
A. A bad thing committed by someone threatening American interests B. Something the American government has never done C. people burning the flag D. protesters

14. Should women have their faces covered?
A. No, it would be very hard to market products B. Only the ugly ones C. Only during the gory parts D. Yes, Arabs would not be able to control themselves

15. Should we be the liberators of the world?
A. Yes, we are the only ones with the moral superiority and the might B. They already hate us anyway C. We need something to divert us from our own problems D. There’s money to be made

16. Is it a good thing to decimate Iraq?
A. Yes, they will all cower to the one true God B. Yes, the ratings will be wonderful C. They will not bother us again; it will end terrorism a la Hiroshima and soon the entire Middle East will be working 15 hours a day, producing electronics D. Who’s your daddy?

17. Is collateral damage acceptable?
A. Yes, War is hell. B. Yes, they were too stupid to overthrow their leader C. One American life is worth 100 foreign lives D. All of the above

18. Is it ok if American soldiers die?
A. Yes, that’s their job, to be all they can be; B. Without their sacrifice, there would be no heroes; heroes are good for Hollywood and the economy C. Yes, how else will we prolong our noble traditions; and what could be more noble than dying for a concept that everyone believes in without even thinking about.

19. Why does much of the world hate us?
A. They’re jealous B. Our game of football is manlier than theirs, and we stole their name for it C. They are evil D. We are superior in every way

20. What is the role of Congress?
A. To do whatever the President says B. To fulfill the wishes of big money C. to get on TV and argue with their counterparts, except in times of War, in which it would not be appropriate to dissent D. to argue about what to do with your money

21. How many Senators are there from each state?
A. 2, 1 to collect the money and 1 to see the light bulb isn’t changed;
B. 2, 1 to collect the money and 1 to change the light bulb
C. 2, 1 to collect the money and 1 to turn the light bulb into an WMD
D. 2, 1 to collect the money and 1 to destroy the light bulb in order to collect more money

22. Is the Total Information Awareness Act a good thing?
A. Yes, it means the government can protect our freedoms better B. Yes, it means we can label all dissenters as terrorists, get rid of them, and pave the world for peace C. No, I like my internet D. all of the above


23. Why did the Soviet Union collapse?
A. They were evil; they did not know the one true God B. They thought everyone was equal, which led to slackers C. They were indoctrinated, could not think on their own and never knew the truth D. They wanted to dominate the world

24. What does it mean to be an American?
A. It means you are blessed by God and can therefore exploit others B. It means you have the power to do whatever you want, even if it hurts other because they conceivably could hurt you C. It means never having to say you’re sorry or observing International Law D. It means you live in the greatest country in the world; where else can anyone get rich and nobody cares how you do it

25. Should you ever question the government?
A. Yes, but only if they channel your taxes towards helping people B. No, they are always right C. No, questioning the government is like questioning the existence of God D. No, blind faith in God and Country is the only way to heaven

Bring in the stuff, boys!

Despite 90 percent of the Turkish population being against the 'war' in Iraq, the U.S. has convinced the Turkish parliament to abandon its democratic notions for a mere 3 billion dollars. While some in the Turkish parliament wanted to hold out for a little more 'democracy,' it appears 3 billion carried the day.

An unnamed U.S. spokesman who refused to be named-- due to wetting his pants with laughter-- was quoted as saying:

Fools! Don't they know how much Alex Rodriguez gets for playing baseball!

Hahhaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Meanwhile, Iraqi women, children and the aged are arming themselves for urban warfare in their streets and homes.

Hahaaaaaaa...the U.S. spokesman replied (after having to change his pants once again), Do they really think their little guns will protect them from our Shock and Awe program of 800 missiles in 48 hrs!

Still, Military strategists conclude that they should never underestimate the enemy, who should be treated as 'wounded but dangerous poisonous snakes.'

Give me back the Berlin Wall...


On October 27th, 1962, Vassily Arkhipov saved the world from certain nuclear devastation.

Ah, if only the world were so simple now.

Gentlemen, there's no fighting in the War Room


Picasso's Guernica was covered because it "would not be an appropriate background if the ambassador of the United States at the U.N. talk about war surrounded with women, children and animals shouting with horror and showing the suffering of the bombings."

'Jesus is my favorite philosopher....We've got nothing to fear but ourselves.' George Bush

The Real State of the Union and World?

Excerpts from Noam Chomsky's speech, Confronting the Empire, given Wed. at the World Social Forum in Brazil

The most powerful state in history has proclaimed, loud and clear, that it intends to rule the world by force, the dimension in which it reigns supreme. Apart from the conventional bow to noble intentions that is the standard (hence meaningless) accompaniment of coercion, its leaders are committed to pursuit of their “imperial ambition,” as it is frankly described in the leading journal of the foreign policy establishment – critically, an important matter. They have also declared that they will tolerate no competitors, now or in the future. They evidently believe that the means of violence in their hands are so extraordinary that they can dismiss with contempt anyone who stands in their way. There is good reason to believe that the war with Iraq is intended, in part, to teach the world some lessons about what lies ahead when the empire decides to strike a blow -- though “war” is hardly the proper term, given the array of forces.

The doctrine is not entirely new, nor unique to the U.S., but it has never before been proclaimed with such brazen arrogance – at least not by anyone we would care to remember.

I am not going to try to answer the question posed for this meeting: How to confront the empire.
The reason is that most of you know the answers as well or better than I do, through your own lives and work. The way to “confront the empire” is to create a different world, one that is not based on violence and subjugation, hate and fear. That is why we are here, and the WSF offers hope that these are not idle dreams.

Opposition to the war (around the world) is completely without historical precedent. In Europe it is so high that Secretary of “Defense” Donald Rumsfeld dismissed Germany and France as just the “old Europe,” plainly of no concern because of their disobedience. The “vast numbers of other countries in Europe [are] with the United States,” he assured foreign journalists. These vast numbers are the “new Europe,” symbolized by Italy’s Berlusconi, soon to visit the White House, praying that he will be invited to be the third of the “three B’s”: Bush-Blair-Berlusconi – assuming that he can stay out of jail. Italy is on board, the White House tells us. It is apparently not a problem that over 80% of the public is opposed to the war, according to recent polls. That just shows that the people of Italy also belong to the “old Europe,” and can be sent to the ashcan of history along with France and Germany, and others who do not know their place.

When a new administration comes into office, it receives a review of the world situation compiled by the intelligence agencies. It is secret; we learn about these things many years later. But when Bush #1 came into office in 1989, a small part of the review was leaked, a passage concerned with “cases where the U.S. confronts much weaker enemies” – the only kind one would think of fighting. Intelligence analysts advised that in conflicts with “much weaker enemies” the U.S. must win “decisively and rapidly,” or popular support will collapse. It’s not like the 1960s, when the population would tolerate a murderous and destructive war for years without visible protest. That’s no longer true. The activist movements of the past 40 years have had a significant civilizing effect. By now, the only way to attack a much weaker enemy is to construct a huge propaganda offensive depicting it as about to commit genocide, maybe even a threat to our very survival, then to celebrate a miraculous victory over the awesome foe, while chanting praises to the courageous leaders who came to the rescue just in time.

That is the current scenario in Iraq.

Even before the Bush administration began beating the war drums about Iraq, there were plenty of warnings that its adventurism was going to lead to proliferation of WMD, as well as terror, simply as a deterrent. Right now, Washington is teaching the world a very ugly and dangerous lesson: if you want to defend yourself from us, you had better mimic North Korea and pose a credible military threat, including WMD. Otherwise we will demolish you in pursuit of the new “grand strategy” that has caused shudders not only among the usual victims, and in “old Europe,” but right at the heart of the U.S. foreign policy elite, who recognize that “commitment of the U.S. to active military confrontation for decisive national advantage will leave the world more dangerous and the U.S. less secure” – again, quoting respected figures in elite journals.

Evidently, the likely increase of terror and proliferation of WMD is of limited concern to planners in Washington, in the context of their real priorities. Without too much difficulty, one can think of reasons why this might be the case, not very attractive ones....

via Mousemusings

Notes from a Texas Peace Vigil

(from a friend who would like to remain unnamed)

I live in College Station, TX., home of Texas A&M, known to be a conservative campus with a military environment.There is a group of students at A&M know as the Corps. The Corps is like a ROTC unit but has no military obligation involved. This week, some students organized a peace rally on campus because V.P. Dick Cheney was supposed to speak at some event there. He cancelled his visit, but the students went on with the rally. The rally was from 10 - 2, and then there was a candlelight vigl from 6 - 7 that evening. There were about 30 of us at the vigil and a minister was speaking when a unit of 30 to 50 cadets from the Corps approached the area.

They were in formation, dressed in fatigues and carrying mock weapons. They stopped a short distance away and did some drills and then began jogging towards the circle we had made. The sound of their boots was so loud it drowned out the minister. They were chanting and calling out orders and circled the area we were standing in. Then the cadets moved off a little ways and stopped. Another minister began talking, and another unit approached the area. They did the same thing as the first unit, marching very close to us, doing drills right near where we were trying to have our vigil. The minister had to stop talking it was so loud with all the commands and noise. They then joined the first unit behind us and kept chanting and yelling. One of the leaders got up on a bench and began talking about their military duty. It was hard to hear exactly what they said because I was trying to listen to the minister and stay focused on her. After awhile, I realized the cadets had gathered around the back half of our circle and some of the cadets were pointing their mock weapons at us and laughing.

They got back into formation and did some more drills then jogged away. Some of my friends said the cadets made racial slurs and made threats. I thought they had really crossed the line when they pointed their weapons in our direction. Some of the other students were very frightened and didn't know what was going to happen next. Thankfully, everyone kept their cool and no one attending the vigil responded to these cadets

Now there is a huge uproar on A&M Campus. Seems the cadets actually were the Ross Volunteers. These are the "elite" members of the corps. They are the official honor guard of the Govenor of Texas. People who were at the vigil, like the ministers, reported this incident to the University Deans and the Corps Commandant. Everyone is totally outraged that these students behaved in this intimidating, aggressive, and threatening way towards people who were obviously gathered in prayer. Rumor is that the Ross Volunteers have had all their activities suspended until a full investigation is carried out and they decide what to do. Usually they carry out drills every night. They can't do anything right now. Never before have these cadets been reprimanded like this.

They usually get away with just about everything. It will be interesting to see how the University responds. It's good to see so many people speaking up about it. The people from the vigil want a formal condemnation from the university's administration so that everyone knows this won't be tolerated and it won't happen again. Nothing has been done yet, but it sounds like people are taking it seriously, finally.

The Gorilla and the Flea

What happens when a flea bites a gorilla?
Does the gorilla stamp out every flea
In search of the one that bit he?
Does he really think that he can get them all
With only a bump or two on his balls?
Or will more grow
From his indignant toe
And will this cycle of violence
where both think they're righteous
topple both;
the rivers and the skies?
How long will they ride
the corpse-infested tide
of god on our side?
Is this just the natural course of things
The beginning of the end
of violence begetting violence?
Will humanity have another chance
to ever become human?
Or are blind gorillas who never
bother to trace their tracks
sprouting fleas from their backs
all there is, all that will be ever?

Notes from an Iranian Girl

Bush: "Different threats require different strategies. In Iran, we continue to see a government that represses its people, pursues weapons of mass destruction, and supports terror. We also see Iranian citizens risking intimidation and death as they speak out for liberty and human rights and democracy. Iranians, like all people, have a right to choose their own government and determine their own destiny -- and the United States supports their aspirations to live in freedom."

I don't know, what I exactly think about Mr. Bush & his speech. I can't really get what he means by these few words about Iran, & what will be the plan. It seems that after Iraq It's our turn, but what kind of strategy is will be required? How should these Iranian people choose their own government & determine their own destiny, by a new dependence? Who knows that what is taking place on the backstage of this play, & what will happen to my country?
...oh, I prefer not to think about future & political strategies, because that just makes me worry & confused...yeah, thinking about such a big matter can't be done by a teen young girl, a girl that, like anybody else should just wait & see what the owners of power decide for her destiny...

Notes from an Iranian Girl via Miel

More Barn (for George on his 40th):

Somewhere a mystic Honda Civic hatchback circa 1980, loaded with the contraband of love, friendship, spirit, Hunter S. Thompson, Jack Kerouac, the history of rock ‘n roll, and other mood enhancers, cruises through the suburban night in search of the promised land, the perfect moment where the soul teams with the mind and heart to defeat the tyranny of time in a triumphant escape to the church of Now. It's driven by a secret middle-class hipster born too late named George Partington. Across the bridge where angels dwell and children play, Buddy Holly hiccups. Wellawellla; Van chimes in with eternal lalalalas…there’s a rainbow in Otis’s soul; Jackie Wilson takes us higher and higher; Marley has us spiraling over a suburban field behind little white surburban houses where sweet things grow in gardens wet with rain; and all you have to do is ring the bell;

Shit I’m dynamite and I don’t know why George says as he glides us over astral planes;

Kevin says as your lawyer I suggest you drink heavily;

shit, George do you know how to land this, I say…

George chuckles as Bob blows the doors off with his cosmic tunes, telling us that all is propaganda, all is phoney, not just the governmental lies but even all that we accept as reality; my glasses fall to the ground; George is raving like a lunatic about how God is in the guitar….A shot of love! More Barn he cries! Shit, where’s the parking meter?

Kevin exclaims: Barn? What barn? Where the hell did I darn?

Graham Nash said: "I once went down to Neil's ranch and he rowed me out into the middle of the lake -- putting my life in his hands once again. He waved at someone invisible and music started to play, in the countryside. I realized Neil had his house wired as the left speaker, and his barn wired as the right speaker. And Elliot Mazer, his engineer, said 'How is it?' And Neil shouted back...

More barn!

George and Kevin are cackling with delight; the Honda is sailing into the mystic.

They’re raising their hands up into the nighttime sky.

'Once I thought I saw you in a crowded hazy bar,
Dancing on the light from star to star.
Far across the moonbeam I know that's who you are,
I saw your brown eyes turning once to fire.'

Wear this shield! It will protect you from the world outside!

Shield? What shield? It’s a sword!

Hahaha. It’s that too!

Pierce through to the truth, baby!

Hear…try this.

What? What will it do to me?

Light your inner wick, man! Set you on fire!

Enhance you with the transcendent possibility of yourself!

Transcend man! Transcend this Bam Thud thing they call reality!

The secret’s in you! In me! In this guitar! Listen!

Christ now we’re jumping on the furniture
playing our imaginary beer saxes, clearing out parties
With live versions of Prove it all Night!
Screaming it aint no sin to be glad you’re alive!

The little Honda floats through the quiet suburban night.

We’re leaving subliminal sky trails that say:
Can’t you feel the Oneness? The Oneness inside!

We’re burning Terry’s Yes albums in an effigy
against all mediocrity, conformity and mindless entertainment
Against anything that doesn't set the soul on fire!
We’re burning matter.
We matter!
Because we’re finally fully alive to our true selves!

Put the ball in the hoop, Chief! Kevin shouts!

We’re dancing on the graves of Fraudulent corpses
Who go to work in the morning and come home with nothing to say.

Bam Thud! Bam Thud! The Bam Thud of Life has taken their souls; we cry!
We vow forever friends! And never ever to become like them!

We’re flying all night over suburban houses to buy our babies some shoes
and to drop down jars of Tupelo honey
And to kill a few Palmetto bugs.

We’re not letting our college education get in the way of our learning.
We’re chuckling ironic at our English professor who wants us to interpret D.H. Lawrence because we’re too busy living it!

We’re living outside the law cause we’re honest.
Honest with our love; honest with our desire to seize the moment;
Honest that we aren’t hurting anyone.

We’re defying the laws of gravity!

Partington steering the little Honda.

We’re different by God! We’re gonna escape the fate of others!

Gradually, the little Honda’s dips, descends, runs out of gas.

Shit, George, can you land this thing?

We’re performing a strange ritual against the setting sun.
George and I and our ladies: holding hands in a circle
in an attempt to ward off the dissolution of love.

Well, the women have come and gone.
The little Honda put out to pasture.
And we’ve turned 40.

And we’ve found that baobobs do indeed grow around
The inner garden.
And we also know that friendship gives us the shears
To separate the baobobs from the flowers.
And that none of it would mean anything
Without friendship and love.
And though the sky may cloud us
With our own sense of mortality and even apocalyptic doom.
'Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.'

Step into the light and scream: More Barn!