Fox News Studio Blows Up

A horrible tragedy has occurred on the set of Fox News. It has mysteriously blown up.

News commentators Shepard Smith, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Brit Hume were last seen taking a piss together in the Men’s Room, a public urinal trough affectionately known as The Middle East and Beyond. Impatient with Bush’s hesitancy to unleash the full-fledged Shock and Awe program, the Good Ole Boys decided to implement their own game of precision and power to see just who was the manliest and the most patriotic.

Simultaneously whipping it out, the four try to concentrate on the task in hand while surreptiously sneaking glances at the enemy when all of the sudden, a great hush fills the room...

Mr. Smith is shocked, Hume awed, O’Reilly precise, as all eyes focus on Hannity's enormous, smart MOAB…which he suddenly starts swinging around the room!

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!

My God!

Awesome!

Where the hell did you get that?

It's growing!

Wow!!!!!!

Top secret, Hannity squeals.

Suddenly his growing mini MOAB pins O’Reilly up against the wall….

Whoaaaaaaaa…..

Stop that! Stop that, Sean!

I can’t! I can’t! It’s got a mind of its own!

Fuck! Help!!!!!!!!!

More! More! Hume hollers!

Shut the fuck up, Hume! HELLPPPPPPPPPP!

Shepard Smith decides to jump on it, screaming YEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWW! He spins it around until it bounces off the wall, heads toward O’Reilly and explodes…

A spokesman from the Pentagon confirmed: “The government is indeed working on smart MOABs that are designed to precisely preempt anyone who may have thoughts of preempting a preemptive strike but it is in early stages. I do not know if Mr. Hannity actually had one in his pants. I do know that this was a work of terrorism.’

Many loyal women fans are in mourning:

‘It’s not fair..it’s just not fair. You men have Viagra…We have the men of Fox News…now what!’ one woman exclaimed between sobs. ‘Well, I guess there’s always Bruce Willis and Arnold…but you know that’s not really real. These guys were so real.’

Rupert Murdoch issued this statement: ‘This is a sad day indeed. The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. And these men led the way….Without their unswerving, undying, unquestioning patriotism, we would not have been able to dominate public opinion the way we do. If only we had them in the rest of the world…Without these men, war would not have been possible. One cannot underestimate the power of these men.’

A spokesman for Truth and Accuracy in the Media said: ‘These guys were pioneers. They cared not a whit for the traditional precepts of journalism. The Fox Network was the final nail in the coffin to any attempt at objective reporting. They were to Cronkite and Edwin Murrow what Bush is to Jefferson.’

Aaron Brown of CNN, still mourning the loss of Mr. Rogers, was too busy looking for his sweater and slippers to comment.

Ridge has raised the alert to Red. Martial Law has been declared in the street.

U.S. Marines Reprimanded for Being Politically Incorrect

After seizing Umm Qasar, several confused, zealous U.S. marines marked their accomplishment by replacing the Iraqi flag with the American one.

Utter chaos and a small skirmish broke out when British soldiers asked:

Hey, what about the Union Jack?

‘Hahaha. You’re just our lackeys…’

‘Lackeys! I’ll show you lackeys. We OWNED this place before you did! LACKEYS!! LACKEYS! I’ll show you lackeys!

Order was restored when the Field Commander appeared, boxed the skirmishers on their ears and proclaimed:

‘DO NOT PLACE ANYFLAGS ANYWHERE! HOW WOULD THAT LOOK? Do you realize there are some people out there that doubt that we are here to liberate! LIBERATE. LIBERATE. NOT OCCUPATE!'

‘Oh….sorry. I was just..ummm…’

'Thinking???'

'Yes..umm..' (Box on ear)

'No sir. No...'

‘You are a Professional Soldier. You are not to think! You are to do as you are told! Christ, what is the world coming to do! A soldier thinking!? The next thing you know you're deserting like some damn Iraqi! Thinking?? Good God! What if you start thinking? Hmmm...that's a human over there. I'm a human. We've got nothing against each other. Would you be able to kill? I think not soldier! The whole world would turn to shit! Everybody would be pansy ass deserters! Where's the honor in that? Honor. Kill! And try not to be killed. And don't think! Got that soldiers?’

‘Yes, sir.’

“Good.’

‘Sir?”

‘Yes, soldier.’

‘Is it ok if we take down these Saddam Hussein posters.’

‘Indeed, Soldier! Feel free to relieve yourself there.’

Order and cheer restored, the soldiers happily run off to mark their territory. Nothing like warm piss on an evil face to restore an alliance.

Everybody Must Get Bombed

Come on everybody, it's time for the Greatest Show on Earth! Break out your favorite drink, turn on CNN, don your Cowboy Hat and boots, grab your partner, and let's kick up a serious Texas Hoedown...The Dixie Chicks have sung the National Anthem and their new hit 'Mr. President, I'm Behind You,' Randy Newman has just finished singing Brown People Got No Reason to Live and of course Let's Drop the Big One Now and now Mr. Bob Dylan is coming to the stage to sing his newly revised 'Rainy Day Women.' So let's party! Hit it, Bob!

Well, they'll bomb ya when you're trying to be so good,
They'll bomb ya just a-like they said they would.
They'll bomb ya when you're tryin' to go home.
Then they'll bomb ya when you're there all alone.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get bombed.

Well, they'll bomb ya when you're walkin' 'long the street.
They'll bomb ya when you're tryin' to keep your seat.
They'll bomb ya when you're walkin' on the floor.
They'll bomb ya when you're walkin' to the door.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get bombed.

They'll bomb ya when you're at the breakfast table.
They'll bomb ya when you are young and able.
They'll bomb ya when you're tryin' to make a buck.
They'll bomb ya and then they'll say, "good luck."
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get bombed.

Well, they’ll bomb you cause they can
They’ll bomb you and say Go East young man
They’ll bomb you so far right of the middle
They’ll bomb Nero at his fiddle,
But I would not feel so alone,
Everybody must get bombed.

Well, they’ll bomb you when you’re asleep
They’ll bomb you when you’re out with the sheep
They’ll bomb you when you’re at prayer
They’ll bomb you from here to there
But I would not feel so all alone.
Everybody must get bombed.

Well, they’ll bomb you to teach you human rights
They’ll bomb you day and night
They’ll bomb you cause you’re evil
They’ll bomb you til you become Western people
But I would not feel so all alone.
Everybody must get bombed.

Well, they’ll bomb you while you’re own your knees
They’ll bomb you til yer finally free
They’ll bomb you when you’re trying to multiply
Whoopee you’re all gonna die!
But I would not feel so all alone.
Everybody must get bombed.

Well, they'll bomb you and say that it's the end.
Then they'll bomb you and then they'll come back again.
They'll bomb you cause Allah likes Terror
They’ll bomb you cause Uranium is forever
Yes, but I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get bombed.

Well, Iran, Syria, Lebanon and Saudi Arabia
They’ll bomb you into the new age yeah
If it were you or me it might be a felony
But when it’s the U.S. it’s just another colony
But I would not feel so shocked and awe shucks
Everybody’s gonna make a million bucks.

Happy 40th Birthday, Dainty!


Like a fine French wine, you're just getting dumped on, poured out, and a complete make over!

May you run through the streets, screaming Wiavhem! Wiavhem! (That's drunken DD scrabble for Orgasm in Norway)

Before it's too late.

Just kidding...thanks for being out there somewhere.

all that blooms

one can't have too many anchors in a world
in which reality grows daily more absurd,
the line between right and wrong blurred
Madness the only sane alternative
Oh to throw your panties in the street
And sell them all for a last chance at peace
To lay one's self on the tracks
If only that could take us back
to where the noise werent so white
the truth truth suspended in light
Below the ultrared violence
there is a place of sacred silence
where the contents never change
the nameless unnamed remains
there ‘tis quite okay
to have a hard on all day
in the blush the blush
of eternal spring
in the rush the rush
where birds sing
the thrush, the thrush
the pecker the woods themselves
alive with sounds of ancient elves
the hush, the hush
the timeless voice
where all is moist
moist with giving rain
where all that blooms
blooms in veins
moving through all things
the peacock’s plume
the trees that sway
to the source of all humming
welcoming the coming
of the new day.