The Road to Damascus

(A Disembodied Voice Speaks to a Burning Bush)




"The Conversion of St. George" by Caravaggio and Daintily Dirty

A choir of angels sings Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (and then to the tune of the Who’s My Generation) Talking about my Revelation! People try to put us down, just because we Mow them Down…Talking about My Revelation (and back to Halleleujah Halleleujah!)


Bush: I’m blind! I’m blind! Once I could see! Now, I’m blind! Help! Help!

Fleischer: Oh sorry, Mr. President! Let me remove these 7 lamp posts!

(Fleischer exits with lamp posts; Bush rubs his eyes as one mysterious light source still shines on him. An eerie Disembodied Voice speaks from somewhere)

Voice: Have you forgotten so soon the Axis of Evil?

Bush: No, no…no..of course not.. Is that you, My Favorite Philosopher?

Voice: Tis I, George.

Bush: Yes, Lord.

Voice: Do not stop now. Strike while the iron’s hot.

Bush: But..but…

Voice: I know I once had a moment of doubt myself. If you stop now, you will be perceived as weak. And worse, a hypocrite!

Bush: No…no..I’m not..I’m strong! I’m strong! Didn’t I teach them Arabs some respect?

Voice: Weak, George…weak…you haven’t gone far enough. Evil must be destroyed.
Don’t lose your faith, George. Put the fear of God in them

Bush: I know..I know..I haven’t…No, I haven’t…but people…people are talking…

Voice: People? What do you care about people? They are Philistines, Pharisees…Some of them like sex.

Bush: Yes, I know…but even Tony doesn’t want to go with me.

Voice: Tony Blair is a Babylonian Whore. A Jezebel. We don’t need Tony anymore! We don’t need any of them. Anyway, it’s all part of the Master Plan. And think of the Ratings! I do suggest you show a little more blood and guts next time; some of the people got bored and turned to violent movies instead.

Bush: Well, maybe we should wait til closer to the elections. We don’t want to come off as Impeer…Impeer…Impiricists. The ungrateful Iraqis want us out of there!

Voice: George, do the Americans want you out of there? Do the Americans want you to turn their country over to them? Do the Americans want you not to take a bit of their oil profits? Shouldn’t the Iraqis pay for their own liberation with their oil and liberties? Don’t the Iraqis deserve Me? Do the Americans want you to take care of your own house first?

Bush: No…No..Yes..no..yes..slow down..

Voice: George, I took a poll. And you know mine are more accurate than theirs.
90 percent of all Americans are behind you. All you have to do is declare War and scare the hell out of dissenters, shame them, crucify them. Call them un-American. The call to Patriotism is almost as powerful as the call of Religion.

Bush: But we had all those years to humanize Saddam…plus, he tried to deKuwait…um killwait..i mean Kuwait…Take Kuwait!

Voice: Evil, George! Evil! Chemical weapons! Baath Party. Baad. Breeding ground for terrorists, evil! Helped Saddam!

Bush: Yes, Evil! Evil! Must kill evil! An eye for thousands of eyes! Yes.

Voice: Do the Americans feel safer now?

Bush: Well, yes…I think so..

Voice: Is that good?

Bush: Yes!

Voice: No! It’s an illusion! They cannot feel safe…

Bush: Well, maybe until the election…

Voice: No, George! They may start focusing on problems at home!

Bush: Damn, Liberals!

Voice: Yes! Where’s Osama, Saddam? Don’t you think they could be planning something with the Syrians?

Bush: Hmmm…perhaps..…maybe..well, maybe a Terrorist act could hit here..and…

Choir of Angels sing: Hallelejuah! Halleleujah! Talking ‘bout my Revelation…

Voice: Think of a pure, good place in which all Evil is rooted out. Think of all the money one can make when Allah is replaced by McDonalds! A pure, beautiful peaceful world!

Bush: Yes, I know..but….but…

Voice: But what, George?

Bush: But what if the rest of the world rises up against us…milit..mili..militarelee..

Choir of Angels sing: Hallelejuah! Halleleujah! Talking ‘bout my Revelation…
Just then 7 stars appear; George cowers to his knees.

Voice: DO YOU NOT HAVE FAITH IN MY WISDOM? YOU ARE GETTING AHEAD OF YOURSELF! WE WILL DEAL WITH THE GOG/MAGOG WAR LATER! LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED A LITTLE REFRESHER COURSE!

JEREMIAH 25:11:

"And this whole land shall be a desolation and an astonishment, and these nations shall serve the king of Babylon seventy years."

How long were the Jews in capitivity, George?

Bush: 70 years!

Voice: Daniel 8:5-6!

"And as I was considering, suddenly a male goat came from the west, across the surface of the whole earth, without touching the ground; and the goat had a notable horn between his eyes. Then he came to the ram that had two horns, which I had seen standing beside the river, and ran at him with furious power."

And Daniel 8:20-21!

"The ram which you saw, having the two horns -- they are the kings of Media and Persia. And the male goat is the kingdom of Greece. The large horn that is between its eyes is the first king."

Who was that George? Think!

Bush: Ummm…Gollee..I think I missed Bible studies that day.

Voice: Who george? Think!

Bush: The Shah of Iran, that dude in Syria?

Voice: No, George! These were the military campaigns of Alexander the Great!

Bush: Oh, right..I was thinking that…I missed that on Biblical Prophecies Come True for 200 the other night on Jeopardy too..heehee.

Voice: Silence! Psalms 22:16:

"For dogs have surrounded Me; The congregation of the wicked has enclosed Me. They pierced My hands and My feet; I can count all My bones. They look and stare at Me. They divide My garments among them, and for My clothing they cast lots."

Bush: Bill Clinton! ?

Voice: No!

Bush: The Iraqi Information Minister?

Voice: No!

Bush: (scratches head) Good Lord, I don’t…

Voice: Yes!

Bush: Of course…hee..I knew that…just joshin’ ya…

VOICE: THE CRUCIFIXION!

Bush: Of course.

Voice: Daniel 9:26!

"And after the sixty-two weeks Messiah shall be cut off, but not for Himself; and the people of the prince who is to come shall destroy the city and the sanctuary.’

Bush scratches his head.

Voice: The significance, George? Think, George!

Bush: I’m sorry..I didn’t know I would be tested today.

Voice: The destruction of the Second Temple, George!

Bush: Oh, right..right…We need to build the Third in Israel…

Voice: Yes, George! Good..but not yet…

Ezekiel 36:19!

‘So I scattered them among the nations, and they were dispersed throughout the countries; I judged them according to their ways and their deeds."

Bush: Bad Jews! Very bad Jews!

Voice: Yes, George! They were exiled and dispersed all over!

Isaiah 49:6:

'It is too small a thing that You should be My Servant to raise up the tribes of Jacob, and to restore the preserved ones of Israel; I will also give You as a light to the Gentiles, that You should be My salvation to the ends of the earth.'"

Bush: God is a good fella!

Voice: By George, I think you’ve got it. The spread of the Good News to the whole world that the Messiah has come to take away sins!

Jeremiah 29:18-19!

And I will pursue them with the sword, with famine, and with pestilence; and I will deliver them to trouble among all the kingdoms of the earth -- to be a curse, an astonishment, a hissing, and a reproach among all the nations where I have driven them, because they have not heeded My words, says the LORD, which I sent to them by My servants the prophets."

Bush: Bad Jews! Very bad Jews!

Voice: Yes, the Jews are persecuted. They undergo the Holocaust.

Bush: Bad Jews! Very bad Jews!

Voice: Ezekiel 38:8!

"In the latter years you will come into the land of those ... gathered from many people on the mountains of Israel, which had long been desolate; they were brought out of the nations..."

Bush: Israel is created. They return from wherever they roamed.

Voice: Yes, George…and what is the significance of all of this?

Bush: God is Good. Jews Bad. Jesus is the way.

Voice: No, George…the point is all of these things were prophesied in the Bible and all of these things have come true.

Bush: Wow…yes…

Voice: What do you think is next, George?

Bush: Ummm…(scratches head)

Voice: Isaiah 17:1: An oracle concerning Damascus: See, Damascus will no longer be a city but will become a heap of ruins."

Bush: Does it say when?

Voice: Not exactly.

Bush: Hmmm…perhaps I should talk to Perle, Wolfy, Rummy…

Choir of Angels sing: Halleleujah! Halleleujah! Talking ‘bout my Revelation…

Voice: Perhaps. Leave the Politics to the Politicians, George. Leave the Master Plan to me and you. Keep the faith and I will guide you.

Bush: Yes…

Voice: You do want me to return, don’t you?

Bush: Oh Heavenly Lord..I do…I do…(falls back to his knees; the lights switch back to normal; Bush exits with beatific grin on his face; Loud laughter is heard; it's followed by a few voices, just before the microphone is switched off.)

(Special thanks to Daintily Dirty and Caravaggio for the pic)

Admitted Killer, George W. Yankamacheney, Allowed to Go Free

George Wolfowitz Yankamacheney was allowed to go free today after blowing up an entire neighborhood of innocent people as well as much of the residence of John ‘Bad Ass’ Maroney. Maroney has yet to be found. The DNA squad is investigating. And while several of Maroney’s children were killed, his Wife survived the blast, and was seen celebrating in the streets, carrying off a DVD player and a small TV.

Mrs. Maroney: Maroney was a bastard! He beat me, tortured me, and called me Ho. It was horrible. He used to tie me up while he tortured and raped his nigga sluts from the other side of the tracks. Yankamacheney is my hero!

Crowd: (Cheering) Oh God! It's like WWII...Not since world WWII have I felt...so proud...so patriotic!

Reporter: But Mrs. Maroney, the children! Aren’t you upset about the children!

Mrs. Maroney: Who those brats!??? They weren’t even mine. They were children from another marriage. I inherited them…Hell, he inherited them! Nobody knows where they came from! They were uppity and wanted to be independent! And anyway, there will always be collateral damage in all battles for liberation. It’s a fact of life. Now, I’m off to celebrate! Thank you! Thank you, Mr. Yankamacheney!

Mr. Yankamacheney: Aw shucks…it was nothing. Anybody would’ve done it. (winks) Don’t forget to tell me where that money from the Bank Heist is hidden. We may need that to rebuild.

Reporter: Mr. Yankamacheney. Why did you do this? Don’t you know it’s against the law.

Mr. Yankamacheney: Law, schmaw. Who cares about the law when you’ve got morality on your side. John ‘Bad Ass’ Maroney was a..well..a Bad Ass.

Reporter: Did he threaten you?

Mr. Yankamacheney: Yes, he looked at me funny.

Reporter: He did?

Mr. Yankamacheney: Yes, and I know it was just a matter of time before he tried to kill me.

Reporter: Why is that?

Mr. Yankamacheney: Well, because he has a stockpile of AK47s in his basement.

Reporter: How do you know that?

Mr. Yankamacheney: Well, because I sold him some several years ago when we were good buddies.

Reporter: But I thought the FBI never found those.

Mr. Yankamacheney: Well, they just didn’t know where to look…now, did they? He had a lot of hiding places. You think I could take a chance on waiting to see if they found them!

Reporter: Why no…of course not…how unreasonable. So how did you get off with the Judge?

Mr. Yankamacheney: I waved the flag. The judge is a very patriotic man. I think maybe he was afraid he might lose his job, as well…maybe have his house burned (winks)

Reporter: Indeed. Ain’t freedom grand?

Mr. Yankamacheney: Sure is. Greatest thing on earth.

Reporter: And where do you think Mr. Maroney is?

Mr. Yankamacheney: Oh he’s a sneaky bastard. He probably went over into the next neighborhood with his AK47s.

(Several kids come out with various loot from Mahoney’s place, cheering)

Reporter: You gonna chase him…

Mr. Yankamacheney: Thinking about it. What do you think?

Reporter: Why I think you’ve got a moral imperative to stamp out evil and make the world a safer place.

Mr. Yankamacheney: Me too. (winks)

Crowd: (Cheering) Go Yank Go! Go Yank Go! We bad! We bad! We bad! Go Yank Go!

Reporter: And how about Mr. Kimchee of Koreatown?

Mr. Yankamacheney: He’s got more shit than Maroney. He might even be able to fight back. I think that’s a case for the lawyers, don’t you?

Reporter: Oh yeah…definitely lawyers. Bring in the lawyers.

Crowd: Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Yankamacheney: Well, you never know (winks)

Crowd: (Cheering and dancing) We bad! We bad! Go Yank Go!

(Several hundred protesters line the street, protesting)

Reporter: What do you say to the protesters?

Mr. Yankamacheney: What protesters? (winks) Aint they cute? Poor cute little deluded fools. So innocent, so naive, so stupid…Ah… Aint Freedom grand? (tears come to his eyes)


(The Protestors protest loudly as Yankamacheney goes off. Several lose their jobs. Others lose record and movie sales. Yankamacheney's buddy, Mr. Ashtray, takes their names anyway; just in case the tide of public opinion turns)