Machiavelli to Replace Jesus Next Easter
The annual Easter Egg shindig on the White House lawn in which the children of Congress have a go at trying to hunt down the most eggs went awry on Sunday when seven-year-old Sammy ‘the Young Republican’allegedly used unfair techniques in order to take away all the eggs from the other children.
Little Sammy pushed, bit, clawed and used his great weight to smash the other children and pry the eggs out of their baskets.
One token Arab child was shot by an unknown source when he made a sudden move in the direction of Sammy’s basket. But that’s neither here nor there. While this act evoked cheers from most of the crowd, most of the Democratic mothers were absolutely livid over how Sammy had monopolized all the eggs. Loud protestations were everywhere.
‘It’s not fair! Make him give them back! All the kids should have the same amount of eggs!’
“It’s not fair! Redistribute the eggs!
‘The kids should be taught to share! This is about sharing for Christ’s sake!”
A prominent Republican mother replied:
‘Share!?? Are you crazy!? I don’t want my kids to be taught to share! I will not stand by and watch little Liberal Commie monsters created right here on the White House Lawn!’
‘Yeah! We will have none of the Leftist Indoctrination!’
‘They must learn the value of hard work, competition, and individual property rights!’
‘You want them growing up thinking the world owes them a favor!!!! Who do you think will have to pay for that leftist bullshit!’
‘They must learn to share!’
‘Individual property rights!’
‘Share!’
‘Hard work! Competition! That’s how they’ll get their share!’
‘It’s unfair!’
‘Tough doodoo. Life Is Unfair!
‘Well, maybe it is…but they’re just kids….they will learn soon enough!’
‘And what about Jesus?’
‘Jesus?’
‘What’s he got to do with it?’
‘What about the spirit of Easter???’
‘Isn’t the spirit of Easter about giving..sharing?’
‘Sharing is Un-American!’
‘You will not indoctrinate our youth with weak liberal values!’
‘Are you calling Jesus un-American?’
'Are you calling Jesus a Commie?'
‘Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!'
'Commie! Commie! Commie!’
The kids take up the chant:
'Jesus is a Commie! Jesus is a Commie! Jesus is a Commie! Jesus is a Commie!'
‘Commie, I’ll show you Commie!!!’
Mrs. Republican decks Mrs. Democrat in a pre-emptive strike.
Mrs. Democrat returns the favor.
Mrs. Republican: So much for turning the other cheek.
Mrs. Democrat: Ha! You already wear it on your shoulders!
At this point all the mothers get into it; everybody beating the hell out of the other.
The kids try to get some of their eggs back, but Little Sammy holds the fort. Complete chaos ensues until Bush enters, firing his AK47 into the air. Everybody hits the deck. The fighting stops.
Machiavelli’s face forms in the clouds. The words, too, in the sky:
It’s better to be feared than loved
and in small print:
sponsored by Bechtel, Halliburton, Pepsi Cola...
Suddenly, the Energizer Easter Bunny comes in, beating his drums to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy. He speaks:
Religion is an intensely personal thing. This is why we have separation of Church and State. We tolerate all religions as long as they know their place. Jesus is fine. But has no relevance in the real world. His teaching is about the other world. So get right with him if you must. I personally think it’s a good idea to accept him as your Personal Savior. You know, just in case…But please keep your religion in the churches and homes and not in the government.
With peace restored, Bush pins an achievement award on Little Sammy the Young Republican; however, he also takes quite a large percentage of the eggs to help out his buddies and buy new weapons. Finally, he places a few of the eggs on the top of a hill and tells the people to wait for the wind to blow so that the eggs may ‘trickle down’ to the masses.
Congress, scared shitless over the possibility that some Americans are still teaching their children to share, move quickly to enact the ‘New Easter’ law that would honor Machiavelli instead of Jesus. Christmas remains intact; since all agree that is good for the economy
