Top 30 Reasons to Vote Bush-Cheney in 2004







30. Rome was not built in one term.
29. 4 more wars; we know what's good for you.
28. Saddam was bad, very very bad.
27. Kill first, blame Clinton later.
26. We don’t need no education, just da Bible, da flag and da bomb.
25. Leave no crony behind!
24. Halliburton’s hiring!
23. Lying about war is a family value.
22. It’s what Jesus would do.
21. If it ain’t broke, we’ll fix that.
20. You don’t want to exercise your democratic rights now, do you?
19. Liberals will turn you into a homosexual devil worshipper.
18. Who would you rather sleep with—Ann Coulter or Hilary?
17. Help us free the world, one illegal invasion at a time.
16. Don’t have no healthcare—move to Canada or Russia.
15. We need a man who can act—not think!
14. We love diplomacy—unless the country can’t defend itself and big money is involved.
13. Orwell was wrong—by about 20 years.
12. Cause even your brother might be a terrist.
11. A vote for Kerry is a vote for Bush—we’ll see to that.
10. Peace is for pussies.
9. Evolution is not part of our plan.
8. The rule of law, the Geneva Convention--that's so Old Europe.
7. Care about the environment--hug a tree.
6. Get rid of liberals forever, support the Patriot Act.
5. Admit it; we offer the best entertainment value.
4. Be skeered; be very skeered.
3. Better halftime shows, we promise!
2. Why settle for 1 boob, when you can have two.
1. What? You wanna go back to reality?


(A collaboration with Bruce P)

I just found this: these are better, from Skreed

Westwood Housewives Riot, Martha Flees...




Upon hearing the news of the Martha Stewart verdict, indignant rich white housewives started the worst riot ever known to L.A. In posh restaurants all over Westwood, the ladies protested the injustice of it all by using the wrong forks, putting their elbows on tables, blowing their noses loudly into napkins, which they refused to keep in their laps, rolling their eyes repeatedly at the waiter and making him repeat, ordering cheap red wine with filet of sole, and vowing to wear white after Labor Day. However, this was all nothing compared to the shot heard all over the world, when all the ladies let out one huge orchestrated fart, whose effect could be felt some 50 miles in all directions from the epicenter. Some were so upset that they even put together and wore a hodgepodge of clashing colors from last year's fashions.

One lady went out screaming into the roadway: "It's not fair! It's not fair! Everybody does it! Even the President! CEO's run off with the company's money and nothing happens! Martha saves a mere $50,000 and she goes to jail! Even the President did it! Where is the justice?'

At this point, she grabs a well-dressed white male out of his German SUV and starts slapping him down, until he cries 'Mercy!' and she whips out one of her breasts, to which he hands her her card, and says "Hmm..Looks like Dr. Eberstein's work. I can fix that.'

Meanwhile, Martha Stewart herself is fleeing the police slowly in a White Bronco and apparently getting legal advice from someone on the passenger side.

Oh those Wacky Georgians!



Superintendent of Georgia schools and Republican, Kathy Cox, has decided to nix her idea of banning the word evolution from Georgia textbooks and changing it to 'biological changes over time.' Other words she is still considering changing include:

Genocide: this word will be changed to 'sudden biological changes over a relatively short period of time by morally superior liberators.'

Sharing: changed to 'the distribution of wealth, goods, and workers amongst other God-fearing rich Christians over time.'

Islam: will be changed to Christianity over time.

Masturbation: will be changed to 'an evil act which will cause biological changes such as blindness over time; temptation is strongest before marriage; and often appears after marriage over time.'

Sex: will be changed to 'an unholy act outside of marriage, made holy only by married couples for the sole purpose of procreation, after which it is hardly necessary or desirable.'

Marriage: 'a sacred union between men and women only for the purpose of social order, procreation; the holiness of which can be dissolved through mental and or biological changes over time.'

Evil: 'any non-Christian, non-Bible thumper, non-American flag waver, non-profit generating slackers, church and state separators, which cannot be converted but can be minimized through righteous bombings or extreme sanctions, such as through the burning of cds, books, and other holy measures.'

Slavery: changed to 'an imaginary state that never existed, an evil concept that was created by communists, liberals and other Evil doers as an excuse for underachieving.

Education: The works of Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, William Safire, Ayn Rand, Jesus (excluding that stuff about usury and rich people getting into heaven) the bylaws of the Corporation etc. and the Bible, excluding the parts about women as second class citizens and thou shall not kill.

Persecution: What happens to God-fearing Christians by non-believing Church and State Separators, and the liberal educators and media.

American Values: see Education.

Heroes: Those who make lots of money and those who give their lives for America, the Corporation and the spread of true Christianity.

Charity: 'Tax breaks; not to be confused with socialist programs.'

Government: 'An entity that shall promote Family Values all over the globe, which requires a huge military, a non-questioning media and breaks for the rich.'

Bush Agrees to Intelligence Probe



With mounting pressure from Republicans and Democrats alike, President Bush has agreed to an intelligence probe.

Bush: How long do I have to wear this stupid head thing?

Rove: At least til after the election, Mr. President.

Bush: Can I at least wear the flight suit again?

Rove: We'll see, Mr. President.

Bush: This is ridiculous. I have it. It's in there.

Rove: Yes, I know, Mr. President. But we've got to be cautious in an election year.

Bush: I do have it, don't I, Karl?

Rove: Yes, Mr. President. You have it in spades.

Bush: Dick Cheney says I have it.

Rove: Yes. Dick Cheney is a wise man.

Bush: Tony Blair says I have it.

Rove: Yes, Tony Blair is a wise man.

Bush: Colin Powell says I have it.

Rove: Yes, Colin Powell is a wise man.

Bush: Donald Rumsfeld says he thinks I have it. He knows i have it. He knows he thinks i have it.

Rove: Donald Rumsfeld is a sage and a poet.

Bush: Fox News thinks I have it.

Rove: Fox News is a superior news source.

Bush: Saddam Hussein was a bad dude.

Rove: A very bad dude, Mr. President.

Bush: So what's the problem? Can't we just ignore it?

Rove: No, Mr. President. But we can delay it.

Bush: Can't we just blame it on Clinton?

Rove: We'll see, Mr. President.

Bush: Will we find the WMD, Karl? Like Cheney said we would.

Rove: We gotta keep looking, Mr. President. Just hold still.

Bush: They're there somewhere.

Rove: Yes, Mr. President. Just hold still, while we keep looking.

Bush: You got something big planned, Karl?

Rove: Oh, yes, Mr. President, you just hold still.

Bush: That Howard Dean is an angry man.

Rove: Yes, Mr. President. Very angry.

Bush: That doesn't look good, Karl.

Rove: No, very bad. You've got to be calm and controlled when you are the leader of the world's largest military.

Bush: Yes, it doesn't look good to be angry. One must fight the axis of evil with a smiling face.

Rove: Yes, Mr. President.

Bush: That Wesley Clark. He hangs out with that um...Michael..what's his name...Michael something...

Rove: Michael Moore, Mr. President.

Bush: That's not good.

Rove: No, he doesn't have a chance.

Bush: Is that Michael guy still doing that movie about me and the Bin Ladens?

Rove: Yes, Mr. President.

Bush: You'll take care of that, won't you?

Rove: Yes, Mr. President.

Bush: Like you took care of O'Neill.

Rove: Yes, we'll take care of it.

Bush: And that John Kerry. He takes Botox and has 200 dollar hair cuts.

Rove: Yes, he's a wimp, Mr. President.

Bush: You'll take care of him then.

Rove: Oh yes. He's a cream puff.

Bush: Saddam Hussein was a bad man.

Rove: Very bad.

Bush: So what's the problem?

Rove: It's an election year, Mr. President.

Bush: Right. And you've got something big planned, right, Karl?

Rove: Yes, Mr. President. We've got fear and God on our side.

Bush: This too shall pass.

Rove: Yes, Mr. President.